I’ve been ending every year recently with a satirical look back at the absurdities of modern life, but 2020 has presented me with something of a dilemma – where do I actually begin?
There’s nothing humorous you can really say about the pandemic. Those people, like myself, who have lost friends or family know only too well what a heartbreaking year it has been. But there has been a cornucopia of events and reactions surrounding the virus which can proudly take centre stage in the theatre of the absurd. Conspiracy theories, deniers,’ Plandemics’, Barnard Castle, Scotch eggs, bleach, anti-vaxxers, anti-maskers, renowned immunologists Right Said Fred, a flagship meal deal plan, and the cherry on the crazy cake – a comeback from David Icke. For those that did take it seriously 2020 has been a salutary reminder that the human race is not invincible and that life is precious and worth protecting. Some have complained about ‘rights and freedoms’, but what greater freedom is there than the freedom to live.
Mysterious monoliths began appearing around the world then just as mysteriously disappearing. Granted they were all a bit different and and had the look of an end of term art college project, but they were a welcome sight for those missing the halcyon days of crop circles. I’d like to think they were put there by philanthropic pranksters, hoping to provide Covid conspiracy theorists with a less damaging topic to focus upon. Someone needs to engrave an image of a half lizard/half David Icke creature on one – that’ll confuse ‘em.
Statues briefly became a hot topic. Or rather one statue in Bristol which prompted fears of a nationwide statue toppling campaign. Up and down the land middle aged Top Gear fans took to the streets to defend our heritage. There were unprecedented scenes in Wetherspoons as impromptu posses were organised. “Digsy, round up the lads, we must protect Virginia Woolf at all costs!”
Despite the pandemic Brexit continued to resurface like a bad case of herpes. Turns out it wasn’t ‘oven ready’ after all – more par boiled. Recent negotiations focused on fish, in particular ‘British fish’ – the type that were tiny bowler hats, swim in queues and have blue (black) fishports. The ongoing Ross/Rachel will they/won’t they deal finally came to a conclusion on Christmas Eve – which leaves you wondering if Boris (Jolly Holidays) Johnson wasn’t just stalling for some ‘Boris the Saviour’ headlines on Christmas Day to try and make everyone forget the farcical fairytale of the clown who cancelled Christmas.
Speaking of clowns and Brexit – Nigel Farage continued in his quest to remain relevant. His latest ploy was to pose manfully on the Kent coast pointing out to sea in a variety of flat caps and tweed jackets – like a model for the Horse & Hound winter catalogue. Had he bothered to turn around he would have seen the vast lorry parks being built in his honour, but Nigel was too busy singing Rule Britannia into the wind to care.
2020 was unquestionably the year of the Zoomer in which Zoom™ (other platforms are available) became the go to software for our new virtual lifestyles. New phrases entered the popular lexicon such as ‘try switching to gallery view’, ‘how do you get those backgrounds?’, ‘who has a pro account?’ and everyone’s favourite ‘you need to unmute yourself.’ It’s hard to imagine what it would have been like in the 70s before we had all this communications tech. I suppose it would have given me a chance to legitimately put into use the Walkie Talkies I got for my 8th birthday.
The rest of the world gasped in horror then breathed a collective sigh of relief at the American election. Defeat for Donald Trump felt like a turning point in global sanity – as if the ghost of Graham Chapman had turned up and said ’stop this now, it’s getting silly’. However the Trump saga still had one post credit sequence left – his gloriously unhinged and undignified refusal to admit defeat.
Henchman Rudy Giuliani delivering a speech at Four Seasons Total Landscaping was perfect – like a political version of Spinal Tap’s Stonehenge. “I wanted the Four Seasons HOTEL!” “But Rudi, it just says Four Seasons on the napkin.”
Perhaps in the future we’ll be able to look back on 2020 as a defining moment for humanity – a time in which we realised the need to treat each other with more kindness and compassion, and to not take our place in the world for granted. One can hope. Me, I’ll be glad if when this is all over I can make myself a badge that says ‘I survived 2020 and I wasn’t a dick!’