If 2016 was the year in which it seemed like everyone half decent died then 2017 made it seem that they were simply getting out before the human race became too much of a disappointment. I keep expecting Terry Thomas to turn up as a kind of god-like figure, look down on us all and say “you lot are an absolute shower.”
The Paradise Papers were leaked and, like the Panama Papers before them, they were newsworthy few a few nanoseconds before something more important came along to ignite public outrage – such as the Greggs’ Sausage Roll Nativitygate. I guess we’re simply accustomed to the notion that rich people avoid paying tax whilst a meat and puff pastry baby Jesus is something entirely new. I expect no heads have rolled as a result of the Paradise Papers whilst the PR person for the Greggs’ campaign has probably been demoted to the Percy Ingle account.
The #MeToo campaign was a real eye opener, and a depressingly large number of whiny men (a.k.a Broflakes) jumped in and gave their opinions on the subject. Just like those #AllLivesMatter numpties, they missed the point entirely. It seems some men think they’re not receiving enough praise and adulation for not being a sex pest. “Congratulations sir! You’ve achieved a basic level of human decency, here’s your medal.” I think Shania Twain should do a reworking of her greatest hit with the lyrics “So you’re not Harvey Weinstein – That don’t impress me much.”
Brexit proved that Britain is still the world leader one industry – farce. Perhaps the defining word for the UK, if not the world, in 2017 is ‘omnishambles’. Brexit reminds me of that scene in Father Ted in which Ted notices a small dent in his car and decides that he can fix it with some precision tapping. However this only makes the dent worse, but instead of stopping he continues to hammer away at things until the car is completely demolished. But hey, at least we’re getting blue passports!
There was an equally farcical general election. It seems that The Maybot 1000 went for a stroll in the woods and had the epiphany that what Britain really needed was yet another election. She was so convinced that because everyone thought Jeremy Corbyn was the bastard lovechild of Josef Stalin and a member of ISIS, absolute total and crushing victory was gauranteed. All the Conservatives had to do was turn up for a few photo shoots at pig farms, say ’strong and stable’ a lot and avoid being seen eating bacon butties and they were a shoe in. So confident was the Maybot that she even said she’d bring back fox hunting and released the entire party manifesto on a single photocopied sheet of A4 paper. It was only when the polls started looking less favourable that she ditched plans for the re-introduction of surfdom and boosting the post Brexit economy by demolishing hospitals and replacing them with opera houses and bear pits.
The list of absurd conspiracy theories grew ever longer in 2017. Flat Earths, Hollow Earths, Illuminati, Lizard people, Chemtrails, Big Pharma, False Flags, the list of conspiracy terminology cropping up seemed endless. It felt like huge swathes of humanity had just given up on rational thinking and decided it was more fun to live in an imaginary world. Mind you, given the current state of the world who could blame them? There were even conspiracy theories about conspiracy theories, with some believing that the Flat Earth Conspiracy was so ridiculous that it was actually an experiment in mind control (probably by the Lizard People) investigating methods of presenting false information, discrediting scientific fact and stirring people’s paranoia. It’s rabbit holes within rabbit holes people! Are you ‘woke’.
There’s not much you can say about Donald Trump that hasn’t already been said. He became the President I expected him to be. At least he hasn’t killed everyone on the planet, yet.