In the Parkview home for the elderly God played solitaire.
Nurse. Cuppa tea.
God. Bless you my dear, anything on the telly?
Nurse. At six we put Songs of Praise on.
God. Never mind. I think I’ll stick to cards.
Nurse. Maybe you’d like a game with our new resident. Here he comes.
God. Christs on a bike! You old Devil!
The Devil. Hello old chap. Fancy seeing you here! Mind if I join you?
God. Raffy you old swine. How did you find me?
The Devil. I’d heard on the old celestial grapevine that you’d taken a bit of a sabbatical. Thought I’d better see what you were up to so I sent a few minions up to track you down.
God. You always were a crafty one. Who found me?
The Devil. You see that nurse, she’s one of mine.
God. She seems so nice.
The Devil. Poisoned an entire village in 1768.
God. Crikey! Don’t fancy this tea much now.
The Devil. So, what brought you down?
God. Bit bored really. Everyone’s so nice – get’s a bit tiring. Lots of singing too, bloody folk music. Thought I’d make myself human and grab a bit of peace and quiet.
The Devil. Don’t blame you. I’m sick of it in Hell. It’s full of your bleedin’ lot these days. Moaning and whining that they were supposed to go to Heaven, that they’d spent their life doing your work.
God. I honestly don’t know where they get these ideas from? My place seems to be filling up with atheists lately. You should see their faces when they wind up in Heaven. “But I shouldn’t be here” they say “I don’t believe in you!”
“Well that was never part of the deal” I explain “turns out you were much nicer to your fellow humans than most of the people that do.”
The Devil. Humans. Drive you crazy.
God. They were never supposed to run this planet anyway. It was all going so well with the dinosaurs. Another 50 million years or so and I reckon they would have been properly conscious. Then boom! Bloody great asteroid. Didn’t see that one coming. Scuppered it for the lizards, let those pesky mammals in through the back door. One monkey figures out a use for sticks and next thing you know they’ve all got iPads.
The Devil. Shame about the dinosaurs, they were so much cooler than monkeys.
God. Yes, imagine if we were two highly evolved Stegosaurs sitting here. I had such high hopes for Stegosaurus, bit of a personal favourite.
The Devil. More of a Triceratops man myself. Love that big horn.
The Devil. So, who’ve you left in charge?
God. Gandhi. He’s made for the job. Much better at it than I ever was. People seem to find it reassuring after they’ve popped their clogs to see him all dressed in white looking peaceful and serene. I put Liberace on the Pearly Gates too. That puts a smile on their face.
The Devil. I just leave my lot to squabble amongst themselves. Lots of politicians and religious leaders. Gives them something to do for eternity. You know God old chum, it’s rather nice getting out of the office. I might stay up here with you for a bit.
God. By all means, keep an eye on that nurse of yours though.
The Devil. Still got your powers?
The Devil. Me too. Just a thought but how about tomorrow, you and I go and, you know – fuck shit up a bit?
God. Sounds like a plan.
The Devil. Great, so what’s on telly.
God. Don’t ask.